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Dr. Dirt
June 2015

Your Special Invitation to Attend the
1975 Annual Summer Meeting

NH Plant, Nursery, Golf Course, Greenhouse, Turf, Landscape, and Landscape Architect Associations
— this year will be bigger and better than ever, pretty much like every other year—

Join other plant people on August 13 for a full round of golf, camaraderie and, for those with more obsessive impulses (our two women members) educational talks on plant stuff! As always, there will be an open bar.

The keynote speaker will be Ben A. Duffer, Golf Course Superintendent at Lazy Par Golf Club in Lower Wedgie, NH. He will speak on the value of the 19th hole to golf course supers and members alike, and also point out the potential trouble areas after a bad day on the links. Arrive early and stay late for what looks to be a fine blow-out.

NHPNGCGTLLAA Annual Summer Meeting 1975
Schedule of Events

8:00 am:    Really too early to start.
9:00 am:    Registration opens. Folger’s Mountain-Grown
        Coffee and Fancy Cold Pastries in Cellophane.
        Open bar.

Golf Track
10:00 am:    Hit little white dimpled balls all around
        outside all day. Open bar.


Educational Track
10:00 am:    New Pesticide Applicator Licensing: Latest
        Government Take-over of Things That Are None
        of Their Business
Dr. Lemme Knookem, Director, New England Pesticides Council. Dr. Knookem will demonstrate beyond doubt that pesticides are actually critical human micronutrients and should be required additions to our daily dietary intakes. If anything, the federal government should be helping to bring these new chemicals into our daily lives. As a side benefit, these patriotic chemicals also kill pesky things, totally.

11:00 am    Lawns are a Gas
The Arab oil embargo has sent gasoline prices skyrocketing above $1.00 per gallon. The nation is looking for alternatives to petro-chemicals. Professor Ivant Grassie, Director of the LIFE (Lawn Is For Energy) Institute will present his ideas for converting the nation’s lawn clippings to ethanol to lower our dependence on gasoline and swarthy Arab Muslim foreign Muslim Arab swarthy people.

12:00 pm:    Lunch
Select one entrée: De-clawed Chicken Fingers with Hippy-Dippy Sauce , Rushdie Salmon with Persian Ginger Whips, or Vegetarian Cauliflower Ears with Artichokes Hart in a Tepid Flour Library Paste. Sides include Crackers Venezuela, Frenched Flies, Cortege Cheese with Chives, Kawasaki Broccoli, and Sweat Potatoes with Perspirated Thyme Overlay. Desserts: Death by S’moors, Pear au Balzac, Bananas Woody Allen, and I Scream Surprise. Open bar. ENJOY!

Ben “Badass” Duffer has been an active presence in golf course management since he beat a woodchuck to death with a 7-iron on national TV (Pebble Beach, 1959). He graduated from Penn State with an associate’s degree in Sodding Stuff and a bachelor’s degree in More Sodding Stuff. His senior thesis focused on an analysis of the newly invented 18-hole Beer Pong. His contribution to the field included the finding that 18-hole Beer Pong lasted to the end in most cases, but not in others. His thesis presentation consisted of a demonstration/conceptual artwork illustrating in a fluid manner 18-hole Beer Pong to a participatory crowd of faculty and students. His thesis was unanimously approved by those in attendance who could still write their signatures. Duffer’s post-grad research work has focused on determination of LD-50 for turf chemicals through direct consumption. Recently his work has been hampered by a loss of research assistants. He seeks a more robust contingent of graduate students. Open bar. Free LD-50 samples.

2:30 pm:    Open bar. Greenhouses for Solar Gain
Professor Sally Arium, Director of the Bright Idea Institute, will give an enlightening presentation on her boundary-breaking discovery that sunlight passes through greenhouse glass and can be a critical factor for plant health in a controlled growth structure. This has promise for overturning current greenhouse practice. Open bar. Her presentation is expected to provoke lively discussion: She theorizes that this same process appears to be occurring in the Earth’s atmosphere. With an increase of carbon dioxide – in her parlance, a “greenhouse gas” – in the atmosphere, a “greenhouse effect” is created, leading to global climate change. Her talk should be quite a lark! Come ready to heckle. Open bar.

The Nineteenth Hole: All Tracks
3:30 pm: 
   Open bar. “Education Track” will join “Golf Track” at the 19th hole to discuss various affairs. Divorce lawyers will be available.

Go Home and Get Better
4:30 pm:  
 Probably enough fun for one day. Go home now. Display your driver’s license and registration prominently on your forehead. This will help when stopped for slicing and hooking on the highways. If you’re in bad shape, they may tell you to slow down and not get in a wreck the rest of the way home.

AND: Don’t forget to fill out the conference evaluation form so that we can do the same thing next year for a mildly increased fee. Do you have a favorite bar? THANK YOU!!

— Dr. Dirt suggests sending your $25 registration fees to John Hart, Environments LLC, PO Box 65, Durham NH



Dr. Dirt, a.k.a. John Hart